All I Ever Wanted
by Its A Cruel World Out There
Summary: After the battle at Uriel's party, Raffe, Paige and Penryn make it to safety but something about Penryn seems a bit...off. What is going on inside of her mind? Maybe that vault has finally shattered and there is nothing to hold back the flood of memories in her head. Maybe that's what hurts her so much when she sleeps... It is only when she is asleep.
1. Escape from my Personal Hell

**Author's Note: This is based on Penryn finally loosing control of the vault in her mind and has trouble telling whether she is in a dream or not. I think in the third book it should be a main struggle for her, so, this is based after the second book. All I am saying and I hope you enjoy this! There might be some more intimacy between Raffe and Penryn later on. Just warning you! XD**

**Enjoy~!**

* * *

**_"Penryn!"_**

* * *

I felt my heart pounding against my rip cage, slamming as the familiar copper and rust taste filled my mouth from where I bit down to hard. My feet slammed on the ground, the soft sound of smaller feet pattering along close behind me.

My heart was as if about to jump out of my chest when I felt an arm brush against my own and suddenly I felt renewed energy to run. Wildly, my eyes darted about the dark forest. I distantly heard the sound of dogs, fierce and hungry, howling in the distance.

My mind burned with the cloudiness of fear, small sounds in the dark making my stomach lurch. _Hide, hide!_ My mind chanted, but where was the question. There was no light, a small sliver of the moon's ray casting through the leaves but it was only enough to not run into trees, nothing more than dark shadows and hungry eyes.

I wanted to scream for help but my throat was dry, parched and cracked from breathing so hard. My feet were so lethargic, almost as if I couldn't run fast enough and yet I kept running and the low demons kept coming. My skin prickled as their breath ran down my skin…razor teeth gleaming in the moon's light.

Too much to handle right now, so many of them and I could hear their small bodies closing in on my own for the kill. I was so tired, my body shutting down little by little and my breath imperceptible. It was almost like I was stung by the scorpion once more.

As if I was in slow-motion, I reached up to my neck where a little sting was pulsing. Pulling back, I saw my fingers were coated in drops of blood and suddenly my legs buckled underneath me. My eyelids fell close as my body tumbled to the ground, paralysis settling in on my body.

Yet the pain of hitting the ground never came as I was lifted from the ground as if I weighed nothing more than a feather. With the corded muscles of whoever was carrying me, it was obvious it was no struggle but the wings that pounded above us proved different.

My eyes remained shut but underneath the wind rushing through my ears, I could hear the distant crashing of water crushing onto the sandy shore. It once had been a comforting sound but I felt like it was my worst enemy right now; the freezing water.

"You know," came the familiar voice that made my heart skip beats. Raffe's voice was breathless and husky, just like after we kissed… "I don't even like you."

Ouch. It hurts more than it did before when he first kissed me. Is it because of all that's happened that's made it tender? I have no idea but all I know is suddenly his arms are gone. I couldn't even scream as I plummeted towards the icy waters down below. All there was is the wind whipping past and the water crashing down below me and rapidly spinning towards me.

Then my head broke through the waters and I felt my lungs, unwillingly, fill with the ice and not even able to gag or stop breathing to quit the intake of the water into the precious organs. I suffered quietly and then my eyes allowed me to open them. Bubbles of the last of my oxygen supply slipped out of my mouth and went up.

Oh how I wished I was able to swim up but I was nothing but lead as I continued to seep down, down into the deepest pit of the ocean. I could hear Lucifer knocking on my door, ready to take me down as I finally let my life go.

Suddenly, I saw a figure in the distance of the water, walking…_walking_?...towards my position underneath the fierce waves. It was a familiar and small frame but twisted, head hanging slightly off hinge as she came into my sight.

Paige, oh lord was she a horrific sight to be forced to stare at as my lungs filled to the brim with icy and salty ocean water and have no way to move. The stiches that had gone across her throat were torn apart on one side and was oozing blood that floated into the water. Her head was hanging limp to her right side and her face was split into a grin.

I felt my heart stutter when I saw the razor sharp teeth gleaming in her mouth. She lunged but then ropes held her back and those beloved dark brown eyes became scared and my heart broke a little. Men drug her back, away from me and my mother's screams of Paige's name whirled into my water-clogged ears.

It was a swirl of emotions and I praying for death soon. This was all too much and it was as if fate really wanted to mess with me today.

As if this wasn't enough, memories began to fill my mind of what all has been happening in my life and trust me. It wasn't pleasant. Why can't I just die already?!

* * *

_What I see sends a jolt through me._

_Paige is laboriously wheeling herself down the street. Above her, Burnt stops his ascent, circles like a vulture, and begins to swoop down toward her._

_I'm up and running like a bullet. _

_My lungs scream for air but I ignore them. _

_Burnt looks at me with a smug expression. His wings blow my hair back as I sprint. _

_So close, so close. Just a little faster. My fault. I pissed him off enough to hurt Paige out of sheer spite. My guilt makes me all the more frantic to save her._

_Burnt yells, "Run, monkey! Run!" _

_Hands reach down and snatch Paige._

_"No!" I scream as I reach out to her. _

_She's lifted into the air, screaming my name. "Penryn!"_

_I catch the hem of her pants, my hand gripping the cotton with the yellow starburst sewn onto it by Mom for protection against evil. _

_Just for a moment, I let myself believe I can pull her back. For a moment, the tightness in my chest begins to relax with anticipated relief._

_The fabric slips out of my hand. _

_"No!" I jump for her feet. My fingertips brush her shoes. _

_"Bring her back! You don't want her! She's just a little girl!" My voice breaks at the end._

_In no time, the angel is too high to even hear me. I yell at him anyway, chasing them down the street even after Paige's screams fade into the distance. My heart practically stops at the thought of him dropping her from that height. _

_Time stretches as I stand panting on the street, watching the speck in the sky shrink to nothing._

* * *

_Nothing stirs in the deserted street. If the silent watchers behind the dark windows lining the street saw where she went, nobody is volunteering to tell me. I try to remember if I had maybe seen another angel grab her, but all I can see is Paige's dead legs as she is lifted from the chair. Anything could have happened around me at that time, and I would have been oblivious to it. _

_In a civilized world where there are laws, banks, and supermarkets, being a paranoid schizophrenic is a major problem. But in a world where the banks and supermarkets are used by gangs as local torture stations, being a little paranoid is actually an advantage. The schizophrenic part, though, is still a problem. Not being able to tell reality from fantasy is less than ideal. _

_Still, there is a good chance that Mom made herself scarce before things got too ugly. She is probably hiding somewhere, most likely tracking my movements until she feels safe enough to come out. _

_I survey the scene again. I see only buildings with dark windows and dead cars. If I hadn't spent weeks secretly peering out of one of those dark windows, I might believe I was the last human on the planet. But I know that out there, behind the concrete and steel, there are at least a few pairs of eyes whose owners are considering whether it is worth the risk of running out into the street to scavenge the angel's wings along with any other part of him they can cut off. _

_According to Justin, who was our neighbor until a week ago, word on the street is that somebody has put a bounty on angel parts. A whole economy is being created around tearing angels to pieces. The wings fetch the highest price, but hands, feet, scalp, and other, more sensitive parts, can also fetch a nice sum if only you can prove they're from an angel._

_A low groan interrupts my thoughts. My muscles tense instantly, ready for another fight. Are the gangs coming?_

_Another low moan. The sound is coming not from the buildings, but directly in front of me. The only thing in front of me is the bleeding angel lying on his face. _

_Could he still be alive?_

* * *

More and more memories flash through my mind; those were only the beginnings. They became more horrific as time went on and I found myself screaming for this to end. Too much, too much… I felt my world turn black as I was sucked back in time to every painful event in my life.

Little did I hear that angelic voice calling my name.

* * *

**Should I continue this? I am probably going to... But, just so you know, I did not write her two flashbacks I put. That is Susan Ee's writing, not mine. I do not claim to have written that. :) **


	2. Hiding What's Happening

"Penryn! Penryn, wake up!" A voice cried, close to me but still so distant. My mind was foggy from exhaustion of trying to push the flashbacks back into the vault where they belong. They finally went in and I slammed the door shut with happiness I hadn't felt in a while.

I felt my body trembling from the severe cold around me but there was no paralysis anymore. I wasn't in a dark forest being chased by low demons and dogs. Raffe never dropped me into the ocean and Paige was still mainly whole and not being drug and help by ropes. I wasn't drowning, not in the ocean at least.

My first reaction was to gag, water clogging my air ways and flowing into my lungs. Flinging my eyes open, I rolled onto my forearms and knees and began to throw up all the water in me. It was like it never stopped, more and more water coming up and out and let me tell you it wasn't pretty.

Blood was mixing sloppily with the food-water combo spilling onto the floor.

Soon enough, however, I was reduced to dry heaving when there was nothing let within my body to dispose of at all. My head swam with the stench and my arm that mainly supported me wobbled from exertion.

Groaning, I vaguely noticed that I was utterly soaking, like in my dream, and sitting fully clothed in the bathtub of our current "safe house" as if anything on Earth was really safe anymore. Leaning back, I panted and tried to recapture the precious air.

My throat burned like it was set on fire then rubbed dry by steel wool.

"Penryn?" Came the same voice from earlier, Raffe. He had been calmly rubbing my back while I, disposed, of unwelcome fluids.

Looking up through my lashes and a blurred disposition, I made out the shape of tense demon wings—that were opened slightly as if they were wary of danger around us; it was hard to tell though because the gloriously built chest was blocking my vision some—before I collapsed into sleep once again.

* * *

When I woke up I knew that it had been a dreamless sleep I was wonderfully blessed with as I was still in the bed. I barely registered that I was in comfortable clothing and also swathed in heat rather than shivering from the cold around me.

Was I in Heaven?

Slowly pealing my heavy eyelids open, I was met with the ceiling I had fallen asleep to however long ago and I felt a small pang of happiness and disappointment. I wanted this all to be over but I couldn't just leave Raffe and Paige like that, even Mom.

"Penryn?" Raffe's clear voice whispered next to my ear, his hot breath caressing my cheek and rolling down my neck, eliciting goose bumps.

I nearly jumped out of my skin.

Whipping my face towards him and getting a little whip-lash, I was met with the sight of deep blue eyes that glittered in the barely lit room. I became acutely aware of the steel arms around my waist—they weren't tight but it was enough to keep me from moving away from him—and the clothed legs against my own.

Heat flooded my cheeks and I cursed the fact that angels could see just fine in the dark.

Squirming slightly, I tried to adjust to where I was able to look at him. That meant our chests were pressed together and I felt the strong lines of his abdomen once again.

Then I looked at our position.

We were both covered in at least three heavy, down blankets, Raffe providing most of the heat between us and it was a bit addictive. I could tell he was a bit hot but his wings which broke the barrier of blankets behind him must provide some relief because otherwise he still wouldn't be lying next to me.

"Penryn, are you listening to me?" Raffe asked irritably and I realized I missed a lot of what he was saying while ogling over his heat and physic.

If it bothered him or if he even noticed at all, he didn't show it.

"I'm sorry, what?" I mouthed.

Raffe sighed heavily, over exaggerating the fact that he was annoyed and it made me crack a smile. Shaking his head for a moment, Raffe sobered out rather quickly and it made my small smile vanish.

Question time…

"You scared me death and back—that isn't easy to do, let me tell you," his voice was soft but stern and his eyes simply enhanced his seriousness about this point he was making.

I resisted the urge to hang my head in shame like a little girl getting punished by her mother.

"First, you were crying in your sleep and Paige and I did everything to wake you up but you didn't. Then you got up and walked away like you were possessed and locked the door behind you. I didn't want to intrude so I kindly knocked, but then you started screaming and then water was obviously going into you and I broke the door down. Why didn't you tell me something was bothering you?"

I bit my cheek harshly enough to the point of which blood leaked down into my raw throat and it stung like a scorpion sting and my eyes leaked with water pathetically.

A quickly hidden emotion flashed in Raffe's eyes before he shut me off and stood up. I whined mentally and tried to grab his wrist but the freezing outside air had me scrambling to get back under my blankets.

Raffe was already gone and leaving me alone in the bedroom. Might as well look around a little. Everything was the same, save for the now broken down bathroom door.

Then I noticed the pajamas I was wearing. It was a pink silk nightgown and slightly tight against me but it had a long bright pink robe that tangled in my legs and gave me the sleeves I needed.

I don't know how I got into it but I felt my cheeks color at the thought of Raffe changing me while I was unconscious and quickly looked away from the spot he had been laying in as if it offended me.

Speaking of which, that was the warmest spot. It was impossible to resist and by the time Raffe came back, I was snuggled into a little ball where he had been not two minutes ago.

Looking at him, I watched as he walked over and sat on the side of the bed and offered the water and also aspirin. The water was cloudy with something else but I decided best not to question and sat up just enough to take the water and aspirin.

I nearly began crying as I began to swallow the water and a few tears did leak from my eyes. It hurt so badly and Raffe had a look in his eyes again before it shuttered once more. Reaching out gingerly, he wiped away my tears with a warm hand.

Smiling gratefully, I pulled the glass away and nearly threw it across the room out of spite but I restricted myself from doing so.

"I don't know," I croak out as answer to his question, lying through my teeth but he didn't need to know why this all happened. Hell, I don't know why I can't hide it anymore but that was to be figured out later.

Raffe didn't seem to believe me but seemed to go along with it for my sake, considering the sad shape of my voice. There was nothing for me to write with so that bought me a little time to think of a good excuse for my unexplainable behavior.

Sighing mentally, I laid back down and rubbed my eyes while shoving down a yawn. It would hurt like a bitch if I yawned, so I did my best but I still felt the stretch in my throat and it killed.

"Want me to lay with you to help you sleep?" Raffe asked, much to my own surprise and happiness.

I mentally cursed myself. I shouldn't be as happy as I was about him laying with me, but I was.

Nodding, I made room for him and he crawled under the covers without taking his shoes off. His sword was gingerly placed nearby and I have gotten them squared away again, though she still is heavy to him when he picks her up.

I guess that meant if anything happened Raffe would protect me because I really couldn't fight in my outfit.

Snuggling up to him and his heat, I let myself fall into a sleep and prayed there would be no dreams that night, at least bad ones if anything.

There was nothing but black.

Yet the thing I hated about my dreams is that they always, always, feel like reality.

* * *

**Sorry it's so short but it will get longer as the story progresses! I promise~ :D Drop a review?**


End file.
